Catato Patch 

As the white light slowly faded away, a new world opened up before my very eyes.

 

Waahhh, even though this is just the newbies’ village, somehow it feels really picturesque --- the mountains green, the waters blue and all that nonsense. Shoot, it’s really kind of beautiful.

 

Suddenly, I was struck with a sense of how unrefined I was. Others would describe what I just saw as --- Verdant hills, sparkling waters and grasslands rolling into the horizon--- not only was that more poetic, it was a whole lot more refined that what I had.

 

I guess that’s just the kind of guy I am. WOW! These mountains! WOW! The rivers! WOW! The grasslands! WOW! That sky!

 

Oh wait, my standards can’t be that low! I’m the main character after all! *Crocodile tears* The scenery...

 

Wait a minute...shouldn’t the game start off with a character creation screen? What am I doing in the newbie village?! Did that helmet come with its own cheatlike character?!

 

But then, well, I guess that makes sense as well. I am after all, a pro player specially invited by the company. I should at least have something to show off with unlike those puny mortals!

 

Mwahahaha, mortals, are you all ready for divine retribution? As the strongest…

 

Hmmm? Why are these mortals looking at me like that?!

 

I suddenly realized that I was surrounded by throngs of red named players. Eyes filled with desire, their mouths would continuously let out a “huff huff” as they grinded their bodies against…

 

You...what are you all trying to do here?! I’m warning you, I’m a man whose flower hasn’t been plucked yet! Ya-me-te, at least be gentle with me…

 

Just as I thought that things were about to head south, a thought suddenly occurred to me: aren’t they all red named players?! Don’t tell me this account is…

 

An ominous feeling suddenly crept into my heart as I opened up my status menu with trembling hands…

 

Monster Name: Widdle Dragon (World Boss)

Summary: This is an adorable, newly hatched dragon. As a ******* Dragon, it has the potential for astounding levels of power. Its ****** can be used as a powerful weapon.

100% chance of dropping a legend-grade crafting material…

 

....

 

Alright, that’s enough reading for today!

 

Ah, ahhhhhh...I’m a freaking boss! Being a boss is one thing but I freaking drop mats (materials) as well!

 

More importantly...what  the heck is a level 1 boss like me doing dropping a level 100 gold weapon! Sh*t! Whose bright idea was it to set it up like that! Come out, I swear I’ll roast you to death with my dragon breath!

 

It was then that I finally understood why those red named players were giving me those intense stares…

 

How about I sing a song instead…

 

~We are all different! Everyone has their own circumstances!~

 

*weep* My circumstances aren’t just “different”!

 

Life is a shitty game and this game is even worse than life!

 

This brother has conquered kingdoms, slayed demon lords for years but never has he faced such despair! Can there be anything more despair-inducing than this game!? Someone tell me!

 

System announcement(red letters): World Boss Lv1 Widdle Dragon has appeared in Newbies’ Village, please make haste and slay the dragon, brave heroes…

 

I’ll freaking slay your a*s! (ノ°Д°）ノ︵ ┻━┻

 

Facing that horde of newbies is enough of a pain already and you still went and called for more people on the world channel!

 

After so many years of playing games, this is the first time I’ve seen a Lv1 World Boss advertise its own slaying! I’m such a disgrace of a world boss!

 

What kind of crappy player experience is this?! I know, it’s time for me to bid farewell to this garbage game, goodbye!

 

At that, I called up the game menu and looked for the...the...logout button…

 

Hm?!

 

Hm!!??

 

All I saw was a button that seemed to have been disabled and greyed out just like my heart..

 

Whose bratty kid disabled my logout button...those dastardly urchins...

 

I swear this setting seemed so familiar, did I join the wrong game or something...is this game called Sword Arse Online…

 

While I was busy dallying about, the diligent newbies had already started attacking me. Amidst a backdrop of chuuni shouts that went something like “Die demon dragon!” ---Dude, I’m a Widdle Dragon!---, a stream of numbers started popping up around me.

 

-2, -3, -1, -3,  such were the countless attacks inflicted upon me by the big brothers of this world.

 

This is bad! A slow grindfest like this is scary enough but what if dying here is the same as dying in the real world, just like that Sword Arts O-ring?!

 

Monster Name: Widdle Dragon (World Boss)

Summary: *skipped*

HP: 8853

MP: 5640

Physical Attack: 32-40

Magical Attack: 53-65

Armor: Pathetically weak widdle dragon scales (-5% magical and physical damage)

Physical Defense: 20

Magical Defense: 15

AttacK Speed: Extremely Slow.

Movement Speed: Extremely Slow.

HP Regeneration: 8/s

MP Regeneration: 7.5/s

Skills: [Aura of a Boss], [ Dragon *******], [Fireball], [Claw Swipe]

 

Oh…

 

I looked at my status window once more --- HP 8853, HP regeneration 8/s--- and then I looked at their attacks once more.

 

-5,-3,-2,+8,-1…

 

This is bad! Their attacks...they feel kinda nice, like someone scratching an itch...I think something is awakening inside me...ahh…

 

Ummmm, how about I let them hit me for a while longer?!

 

As a player myself, I was clearly aware that they were truly doing their best right now...even with their current state of a Lv1, skill-less, newbie, they were still diligently throwing their basic attacks at me….

 

Well, even though I really want to toy with them some more but I’ll pass on that idea for now. After all, that damned system announcement already exposed my current location to the entire world. Leaving would be for the best.

 

I definitely don’t want to be beaten to death by a bunch of high levels for no rhyme or reason...

 

Thus, with a casual fireball at a soon-to-be scorched mage, I promptly rushed off towards the village exit!